Novos Development team in 7th heaven

The Valentine’s Day Debacle

A game on Valentine’s Day should have been a happy affair, most of us escaping our ball and chains for the day to play and watch rugby at the mighty Sutherland Park. Instead Novos 3rds experienced the epic dichotomy between love and hate in this re-arranged fixture between the mighty 3s and West End.
Glorious Leader Kin Jong Pratt made a few changes from last week’s win over Ryton, most notably relegating the original front row diva Mike Cousins to the seconds for crimes against Mexico. Partner in crime Cliff Paterson was relegated to childcare duties in a clear demonstration of who wears the trousers in his household. But in their places came back in luminaries whose names shall echo down through Novo’s development team history, particularly one half of the favoured second row combo Salt and Pepper, who sound suspiciously like a bad WWE wrestling tag team, all hail Mr Jack Salt, the Berkshire brawler!
The squad was as ever confirmed within minutes of our leader’s invitation to cover ourselves in glory once again, and as ever there was a tendency towards giddy hyperbole about our prowess in all things; particularly appropriate in this week of love was the 939th sex scandal involving our beloved Tom Burford. Previously robbed by prostitutes, now it is revealed Mr Burford occasionally dabbles in Skype sessions with busty professionals who offer him, well, pretty much anything you could imagine if the tagline to the racy pic is to be believed!
Overall though the tone of this week’s FB chat was somewhat muted, either a forewarning of things to come on the vast expanse of Sutherland Park in front of our beloved balconies, or merely a result of serial communicator Joe Carr spending more time in the Betty Ford Clinic for social media addiction. Quitting is for losers Joe!
Instead Carr has descended to texting our beloved leader precisely every 2 minutes, including updating him on his current levels of slowness (6 miles in 70 mins is seriously fucking slow in case anyone was wondering!) methinks Joe is fearing for his position with the current exciting wing talents coming through the ranks at Novos, this week seeing the debut of the pink socked boy wonder Nick ‘Shakespeare’ Byrne.
So the squad arose on an overcast but dry Valentine’s Day and made the pilgrimage to the centre of our rugby universe and prepared for the game. A high-level game of touch was rudely interrupted by squad veteran Tom Wilson Senior, who confused pre-season training for the firsts with our more elegant approach and reduced us all to a sweaty mess. For once we were even grateful for the arrival of Kim Jong Pratt’s chief henchman James Desmond, zooming in directly from a course on how to dish out modern police brutality to run line-out drills so complicated that it’s no wonder poor Callum Hoy nearly exploded with rage on the pitch! The poor lamb.

West End arrived for this fixture which they had demanded be replayed (accusing us of loading the team with filthy mudblood second teamers last time) and promptly revealed at the coin toss that they had no front row. Glorious Leader, renowned throughout the land for his temperance offered to play the game as a friendly but was refused, and we nearly had our first fight before the game had even kicked off. All Hail to Kim Jong Pratt and his legendary high tackles!
Novos kicked off with a full heart and a full balcony in support, but John William Marshall sliced the kick horrendously and then outrageously claimed he meant it all along as Shakespeare in full flight somehow caught the ball, evaded 3 West End tacklers with nimble footwork befitting the fact he weighs about 3 stone and crossed the line. Novos on the board within 30 seconds! This reporter hadn’t even crossed the 22 to support!
Ultimately though it became clear that scoring an early try was about the worst thing that could have happened, as the standard of play from the mighty 3rds slipped to far below acceptable. Loose work at the breakdown and poor control at rucks meant West End managed a resurgence and crossed for an unconverted try in the bottom corner.
Angry at this sacrilege Novos pushed back and much of the first half’s play was within the West End half, powerful drives by badly ‘tached Midlands hero Callum Hoy at the fore, as well as superb scavenging from deserved Man of the Match Clive Carlin, but a lack of accuracy, poor organization, and a certain No. 8 constantly lurking on the wing instead of in the trenches, often left enterprising scrum half Matthew Macauley with nowhere to go.
Funnily enough tempers began to boil, and a new record was set of about 4 punches thrown (mostly by Callum Hoy) and the referee calling for the captains to order the teams to calm down at least 3 times in the half, but still nobody was binned, despite more bitching than a pished Glaswegian Hen Party on the Bigg Market.
Sloppy play continued for much of an increasingly turgid game, Novos seemingly incapable of pulling themselves from the West End depths, by now even the balcony had got bored and buggered off to watch the Internationals. Eventually the referee put us all out of 40 mins of misery. Love 0, Hate 1.
Substitutions were made, heavily eyebrowed wing wonder James Jeffrey entering the fray along with this week’s front row diva Sean O’Connell who despite possessing the ballast of the Titanic, still claims to be a fleet footed centre. Imploring words from our glorious leader were uttered, water was consumed. The second half began in a more ordered fashion, Novos finally using some pick and drives to tie in the West End defence and stalwart 12 Mark Hemmings, excellent all day long (he paid me to say this!) rose above the mediocrity and skimmed over for a fine try to raise Novos hopes
Driven on by the fact we were now retaining possession for more than 30 second, Novos had West End on the back foot and moved the ball promptly to the left wing, with substitute Shaun O’Connell still putting hearts in mouths by delaying the easy pass then somehow managing the cute flip pass once the defender was committed. Byrne was in for his second on debut.
And then, a moment of pure comedy genius. Substitute Peter Wilson on debut making the clearest call from the kick-off, missing the ball under pressure from West End attackers, only to be hauled up by notably absent from the fray No. 8 James Desmond before the resulting scrum and told he would give him a catching masterclass later, as he is “amazing” at it. Shame on you Desmond, shame on you!
More minutes of mediocrity followed, more bitching, more screaming by the ever excitable James Desmond and Glorious Leader, more penalties, more chats with the referee. Let’s not kid ourselves, this was a bitch-fest and we made life very difficult for ourselves, Hoy being withdrawn from the fray after one too many fuses went.
More pressure inside the West End half from some pick and drives and centre Tommy Wilson showed a killer instinct worthy of his Scottish ancestors to hit a fine line and was unstoppable from 10m out, as Novos finally began to put some distance between them and West End, driving over near the posts.
Desmond attempted to redeem himself with a huge carry over the tryline demolishing a back in the process, but was held up by a centre. James Jeffrey also proved his worth, adding to our try count, and substitute Nick Lithgow, winner of the inaugural Tom Dias impersonator award for a fine tweed jacket effort post match, managed 2 conversions to finally put the stubborn West End side out of its misery. Glorious Leader grinning evilly as he reminded us all that we play them again in 2 weeks!

Man of the Match was Clive Carlin, for sterling ground work and for being one of only 3 Novos forwards to keep his cool.
Burford of the Day was James Desmond, for never being where he was bloody meant to be!

Report by Oliver Dearden, a front row deva