The Great Republic Triumphs Again!

THE GREAT REPUBLIC TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Supreme Leader and Champion of Global Feminism Kim Jong-un Pratt remains ensconced on his throne and his devoted Novos IIIs subjects remain Rugby’s undisputed catwalk kings and no 1 hard-drinking hell-raisers. This is despite a desperate attempt by satanic third world forces (well, a far-off principality of which we know nothing – Berwick, anyone?) to destroy our glorious and aesthetically awesome civilisation.

Ok, so the record books will show that Novos got stuffed 30 - 7 and the reality is that party-poopers Berwick were the better side throughout. But Novos, willed on by cross-dressing super fan, transgender Filipino “babe” magnet and new Centurians vice-captain Tom Burford, had prepared well in the warm up (under the gimlet eye of General Desmond) and had even managed not to drink alcohol on the bus on the way up (a mistake that won’t be repeated!).

But, the game itself didn’t quite go to plan. With the wind at their backs in the first half, Berwick adopted the obvious (but undeniably well-executed) tactic of pinning Novos back in their own 22 (out of sheer jealousy at their pretty boy looks, no doubt!), courtesy of well-placed kicks to the corners, and aggressive running from the useful Berwick three quarters. But, for the first twenty minutes or so, Novos held out, through strong (if occasionally scrambled) defence. Prominent in this rear guard effort were the robust Novos centre partnership of Hemmings and Wilson, young second row Deakin and the evergreen flanker Clive Carlin, forcing knock-ons and giving Novos a chance to win back possession in the scrums (where we generally had parity) and the chance to clear their lines. However, despite boasting a Rolls Royce half-back pairing of Humphreyson and a sober (!!) Selkirk, Novos were struggling to find the necessary space to launch a meaningful attack. In an area of the country known for austerity, brawling Sweaties at Haggerston Castle and Alan Beith, Sexy Rugby is simply taboo and Berwick spoilt all the fun for the Novos spectators by unsportingly strangling the Novos counter- attacks at birth with well-organised, aggressive defence. But, the feeling was that the longer Novos held out, the more frustrated and vulnerable Berwick would become.

However, this script was duly ripped apart by the introduction of the genetically-engineered offspring of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito (could he be the missing triplet in the next Twins film?) at scrum-half for Berwick. Despite the best efforts of various Novos stalwarts to cripple him (Desmond and Pratt take a bow!), the powerful Berwick no 9 opened the scoring after twenty minutes by bursting through four Novos tackles to put the ersatz Scotsmen a try to the good. This was duly converted and Novos knew they had a fight on their hands. A cheap penalty five minutes later for not releasing in the tackle and Novos were ten points behind and staring down a barrel. However, character and spine have been at the forefront of the Handsome Ones’ nine match winning streak in the League, so it was no surprise that there then followed Novos’ best period of the match so far. A powerful run by from deep by the impressive Kane Deakin set up a sweeping three-quarter move, which threatened to put Peniston-Bird free down the left. However, a desperate lunge from the Berwick full-back forced him in to touch, just inside the Berwick 22. From the resulting line-out, good pressure from the Novos forwards forced a knock on and a scrum, however nimble footwork from Berwick’s hooker allowed Berwick to retrieve possession at the scrum and clear well up-field. So, although still under pressure, Novos were at least making in-roads in to enemy territory and a 10 – 0 deficit at half-time would certainly not have been unsurmountable. But then came the turning point in the game. Throughout the first half, the match official had expressed his irritation at what he (and only he) perceived to be persistent whingeing by the Novos players, although the term constructive criticism would surely have been more appropriate (Craig Paterson - was there a scrum where Berwick’s loosehead didn’t bore in to Ollie “First Class Law Degree” Dearden?). Anyway, it left the Handsome Ones on the receiving end of some increasingly avant garde refereeing decisions, culminating in a (probably) justified yellow card for veteran prop Croft, on 38 minutes, which reduced Novos to 14 men. The extra man allowed Berwick to force another converted score (again courtesy of Berwick’s monstrously strong no 9), putting Novos 17 – 0 down at the break and securing the Tom Burford award for Croft (much to Des’s disgust in the post- match fines meeting!).

Following a rousing half-time talk by our Supreme Leader (where he rightly pointed out that a 17 – 0 deficit is “f$%*%n’ nothing” so let’s “f$%*%n’ win”) and the introduction of try-scoring machine (and Kestrel’s “discovery”) James Jeffrey, Novos began the first half a man down but with renewed purpose and a blockbusting run from Dearden took him to within five metres of the Berwick line. If Novos could score first, it would be game on. However, Berwick used the extra man to dampen Novos early fire and began to build again. With Novos then restored to a full 15, a Berwick penalty found them deep inside their 22. From the resulting line out and “only” two undetected knock-ons later, Berwick’s scrum half once again broke several tackles en route to his third try. Although the conversion was fluffed, this put Berwick 22-0 up and in command, to the point where said scrum half left the proceedings and (probably) went to wrestle the bulls in one of the nearby fields. Another strange penalty decision five minutes later handed Berwick three more points to make it 25 – 0. However, it was to Novos credit that they continued to play Rugby, tried to fashion a way back in to the game and (a couple of playfully high tackles from their Supreme Leader aside!) did not allow their frustration to boil over in to unseemly indiscipline. This was despite some serious provocation from Novos’ now show-boating hosts and exemplified by Novos über-bruiser James Desmond’s decision not to lamp his opposite number for an off the ball tackle and accompanying “verbals” (one for the archives that one Des!). Indeed, (alleged) Pop World pest Mark Hemmings was enjoying the action so much that he refused to be substituted – this was not in any way an act of insubordination to his Supreme Leader, you understand! Although this diligence in our task didn’t stop Berwick from adding one more (unconverted) score, it was Novos who had the final word when the free-scoring James Jeffrey went over in the corner, following an excellent scrummage win against the head on the Berwick 10 metre line and slick hands from the Novos midfield. Final Score Berwick 30, Novos 7.
So, regardless of the games’ minutiae and the fact that Berwick deserved to win, it was a hugely disappointing afternoon for Novos. However, indefatigable team spirit is what breeds triumph over adversity and Novos IIIs have that in abundance. It has long been said (by several deluded drunks in the Novos bar) that a true Novo combines the drinking capacity of Oliver Reed with the animal magnetism and tenacity of James Bond and Novos’ towering performance in the bar after the game (when you would have thought they had won the match, not Berwick), on the fun-bus back to Novos, at Novos itself and in town afterwards (form a queue ladies!), underlines this!

Joking aside, this defeat will remove any complacency (as nine match unbeaten runs have a habit of engendering), focus minds and probably help Novos IIIs win their league. Sexy, winning Rugby will return!

Novos’ Scorers:-
Try - James Jeffrey
Conversion - John William Marshall.
Man of the Match: Kane Deakin
Tom Burford Award: Andrew Croft

Written by Andrew Croft xoxoxox