Novos Development team smash the Ash

MY FIRST MATCH REPORT BY JOE CARR AGED 28

The mighty and handsome 3s travelled up to Ashington after a Thursday cancellation by league side Berwick looking to build on a gutsy but mistake filled victory over Houghton.

As with each 3rd team game several guarantees took place before the kick-off; The Marshalls were late, we had one player not turn up (David Hopkins who will be destroyed for this on the bus next week) and Tom Burford made a fool of himself with frankly THE MOST PATHETIC grasp on how to play rock, paper, scissors I have ever witnessed…. eventually losing the aforementioned game to Ed Walker and being passed to Ashington to concede all of our tries.

The Game kicked off in howling wind and with the first real attack of the game the formerly fast now fat winger Joe Carr was put away for a score under the posts thanks to some good work by David Marshall down the left. Conversion missed. At this point I would like to point out that due to the atrocious kicking conditions and generally not being very good at kicking to goal Carr and David Marshall managed 1 kick from 9 attempts between them. This will save me writing 'Conversion missed by Carr/Marshall' each time. Novos were soon to be 10-0 up thanks to a strong run from the excellent Kane Deakin to barge through several Ashington tacklers and scoring to the right of the posts.

Novos we're going to get a cricket score, except no, they weren't because we did what we do best and made daft mistakes and the backs (myself majorly included) threw some dreadful passes. About ten minutes later we were 10-15 down thanks to two interception tries and a penalty to Ashington but I'm not mentioning Ashington anymore because their photographer took 9000 photos but none of our tries or when we had the ball which was 80% off the game. After some rousing and hard words by terrifying yeti James Desmond Novos scored again, another brilliant Kane Deakin break popping to Joe Carr in for try number two in the corner past Tom 'Feet of Stone' Burford.

The best however was yet to come, this time down the right rather than the left that Carr was exploiting so well against Burford…. The soft underbelly if you will. David Marshall with a run and chip which Tommy Wilson Snr, still performing to the highest level aged 103, knocking the ball down to the onrushing Andrew Gardiner to crash over - Champagne Rugby! Just before half time an excellent break by James Weaver who has been looking increasingly dangerous all season resulted in a late tackle to end his game. On came Ed Walker for his first attempt at playing wing. A task he eventually got the hang of after I turned round on 2 occasions to see a huge gap on our right wing and Ed smiling politely stood right next to me on the left wing. After some kind words from myself and David Marshall he effortlessly took to the right wing berth.

HALF TIME 20-15 NOVOS LEAD

The second half started brilliantly when David Marshall set off on another of his electrifying runs (if only he could run to the club as quick when it comes to the meet time) passing to try master and expert finisher Joe Carr to his left, with the opposing Tom Burford seemingly having a game of musical statues to himself Carr belly flopped over the line to complete his hatrick. Novos straight back on the attack but unfortunately some outrageous miss 3 spin cross field blasters by John Marshall failed to make their mark. Which is surprising in 70mph winds. Next to smash over the line was Kane Deakin with a carbon copy of his first try to cap off an all-round great performance by the late 1990s WWF chokeslammer's namesake. I could almost hear JR and Jerry The King Lawler shouting 'OH MY GOD, KANE HAS ASHINGTON FROM THE TOP ROPE, SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH'.

Next up to claim the Tom Burford Award was Mike Cousins who after a glorious full length of 2 pitches run by captain whinge bag Ian Pratt managed to drop the ball over the try line despite claiming that he didn't. But Novos weren't done there. Ed Walker scored down the right, he is better with the ball than he is with the linesman's flag, before John Marshall went through the Ashington defence like butter to score under the posts. His brother adding the conversion our one and only successful one. It would be of note to add that John was at his most dangerous when he kept hold of the ball rather than playing what I can only assume as 'let's see if this wind will carry this pass all the way back to Sutherland Park' with himself. Ashington managed to claw back a try thanks to baby faced assassin Jonny at scrum half kindly handed over the ball to them to take a quick penalty and crash over.

The final nail in the Tom Burford shaped right wing coffin came when David Marshall again sent Joe Carr away down the left to glide past the static Burford untouched and score what some called a dubious try although I guarantee it was a try. 10 tries in 7 matches for the much slower, fatter but still gorgeous Carr.

FULL TIME 47-20

I have missed loads out so would like to give some honourable mentions;

Some say he has killed opposing number 8s using only the vast amount of hair on his chest and quite frankly after 12 years he still scares the hell out of me; James Desmond DIDN'T score a try today and actually passed the ball which was wonderful to see. John Marshall Whinged a lot but nowhere near as much as Ian Pratt's tantrum about White Tape…. Yes I have no clue either guys. Captain Pratty also robbed former Vo Cooper of the ball from a scrum and went careering up the pitch…. I don't remember this but he messaged me on Facebook to tell me to put that in so there it is Cap. On a serious note another fine game by Pratty who led by example as he does every week.

Prop Craig Paterson did about 15 sidesteps en route to my 4th try which should never be seen again it was like watching a Rhino performing in Swan Lake I don't know whether I was shocked or aroused. Maybe both. Well done to Ed Walker on his first senior try. Solid performances from the entire pack who were everywhere and dominated the scrum so well. There was also the always heart-warming tale of father and son duo Wilson and Wilson in the centres although Jnr kept running away from support every time he got the ball.

And finally, I would like to give a special thank you to Tom 'you are being cyber bullied' Burford for allowing me to score with such regularity. After being gifted 4 tries against the opposing Burford I felt like that lady who recently robbed Tom of £600 and his dignity. In fairness wing is not your position and in the centres next week you are going to smash it! Next week we have the much anticipated 'Des bullies the young players and non-drinkers’ bus trip to Kielder. I for one am looking forward to it. We have a great team spirit and long may it continue. Thanks for your time. Bye.

Man of the match - Joe Carr/Kane Deakin
Tom Burford Award - John Marshall
Marshall Award for lateness - David Marshall

Views from Captain “White Tape”.

I must congratulate the whole pack for their dominance in the scrums which from the first one drove Ashington off the ball. The scrums were going forward so fast Des couldn’t keep up and fell over twice at 8.

We also dominated the lineouts with Andy Gardiner leaping like a salmon. The pack was excellent in the loose even with Ashington killing/holding onto the ball, particularly the player with white tape on his hands.

I can confirm that I did indeed rob former Vo Cooper of the ball. As he picked up from the back of the scrum he went open and that door was firmly shut in his face, as I put him down on his backside. He then spilled the ball which I picked up and went on a run half the length of the pitch, from the resulting ruck a meter short of Ashington line Cousins dropped the ball over the line.
Joe also failed to mention that Kane’s second try was as a result of me ripping the ball from the whole of the Ashington pack as their maul (in their own 22) rumbled up the field, I made a break and Kane scored following the ruck.

David Marshall got the only conversion (1 in 4); it was hard for Joe and David to kick for goal with that gentle breeze.

I must mention that the first two tires conceded were due to Carr and John Marshall throwing interception passes in and around our 22, despite all of the pre-game talk.

I have to mention Jonny Lowes had an excellent game at scrum half, the 17 year old keeps improving each week. I am sure the backs enjoy having a 9 who can pass the ball for a change.

Kane was excellent all game in defence and attack, also scoring two tries from second row deserved man of the match.

4 try Joe is a poacher of the highest quality feeding off the hard yards gained by David Marshall. It’s a shame he threw that horrible pass and missed 5 out of 5 kicks as it took the gloss off his tries, but he still deserved joint man of the match for his tries and pint downing.

It really is a pleasure captaining this group of players and one week we’ll put our “A” game together for the whole game and that week a team is in for a serious beating.

I also must mention after the game the Marshall brothers were bickering in the bar over some hair products.

Next week a similar squad will be on the fun bus to Boarder Park in the league as we hope to keep the 2015 winning run going.